Ever since I can remember, I have always wanted to take an image or moment in time and make it tangible. I'm a person whose thoughts drown in nostalgia, and I find it difficult to give a reasonable explanation why to either of those two things above.
Those two parts of me are married and it's obvious in every aspect of my life. In my room are tickets from various concerts that all have an interesting story attached to them; look to the right and you'll see the garter Roshni made me for her homecoming; look to the left and you'll find a bunch of saved laser tag game scores from the Whirly Ball days; and finally, in the corner of my room next to me right now, my growing collection of music. From Beatles to Incubus to Oasis to Minus The Bear: they all have a meaning to me.
I find it impossible to rely just on memories alone. I need to be surrounded by things that remind of people, places and events in my life. Nothing goes on my wall without an interesting story behind it. Like the Blink 182 I bought from Hot Topic with Josh back in 7th grade, the Minus The Bear record that I got for working at Good Records, the garter that led to a fun night with my best friend. All good times, and they are things i want to remember all the time.
It makes me wonder what I'm going to do in college without all these things surrounding me. My dorm is going to be empty with just my laptop, desk and me. But when I look at in a different light, it's like I'm building a new wall of reminders. It just happens to be that I'm going to have to leave behind so much. I welcome the new things with open arms, but I want to hold the past as well; tis a hard decision to pick one.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Trading Me For The Lump Sum
I've been surfing youtube a lot since last semester and I've come to one sad, but true, conclusion. Youtube has no popular Brown youtuber that I have ever seen. Realizing this has made me come to another conclusion. I want to be that youtuber. I've been inspired by a lot of youtubers in the past couple of months. Mostly ItsaMeStevenT (Steven), Ninjadrops and Wong Fu.
I dont think it'll be easy to build a following, but I can try and see how far I can get. It could be a fun expeirience. But first I want to see if I get into UT before I start with any project. And I've started up(again) on one of my new years resolutions. Its going to be hard to do but I'm going to see how far I can get in terms of weight loss. Hopefully I can lose 20 lbs by the end of March. It would be amazing if I accomplished this.
We'll see how things pan out. Back to studying for gov!
I dont think it'll be easy to build a following, but I can try and see how far I can get. It could be a fun expeirience. But first I want to see if I get into UT before I start with any project. And I've started up(again) on one of my new years resolutions. Its going to be hard to do but I'm going to see how far I can get in terms of weight loss. Hopefully I can lose 20 lbs by the end of March. It would be amazing if I accomplished this.
We'll see how things pan out. Back to studying for gov!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Or else i wont feel any better about this
what they fuck is wrong with me? I'm hurting so badly I can't even handle it anymore and it sucks. It's consuming me like nothing has before. The even more pathetic thing about where I'm at is that I can't hate you. I couldn't hate you in Seattle when you got me yelled at by Mrs. Tung and I can't bring myself to hate you now. Even when it feels like you don't care about being friends anymore, even when you ignore any form of communication I attempt, even when you reluctantly text me back in the morning it comes down to one thing: I can't hate you or even feel the slightest bit of dislike for you cause it's no ones fault. That's just life and I'm having the hardest time accepting it right now.
I only call you so much cause I miss listening to someone talk and engaging in conversation with someone. I can't do that with anyone around me right now, only you. I feel so comfortable when we talk that I can say anything and not be worried about you walking away. What I really miss the most the is the listening though. I just want to listen to you talk because I like to hear about peoples lives and you always have something to say that makes me smile or that I find interesting. I want that back again but I know it won't happen. I know you won't even read this and I'll never say this to you. I know that when it's all said and done, none of this is going to matter and we'll all just keep going.
God I wish I was in Seattle right now instead of 10 minutes away from you.
I only call you so much cause I miss listening to someone talk and engaging in conversation with someone. I can't do that with anyone around me right now, only you. I feel so comfortable when we talk that I can say anything and not be worried about you walking away. What I really miss the most the is the listening though. I just want to listen to you talk because I like to hear about peoples lives and you always have something to say that makes me smile or that I find interesting. I want that back again but I know it won't happen. I know you won't even read this and I'll never say this to you. I know that when it's all said and done, none of this is going to matter and we'll all just keep going.
God I wish I was in Seattle right now instead of 10 minutes away from you.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Conflict & How It Dominates My World
For the past 6 months I've been all about UT. I even decided that if I was rejected once then I would try again because I really love that school. That all changed two weeks ago when I was in Seattle.
I went back and as soon as I stepped out from the cramped flight and just inhaled, I was taken to a different place. I just felt good being there and I didn't want that feeling to go away. It was just home to me. The Puget Sound just looked amazing from the freeway as I passed the lit up city and I can't even begin to describe the city itself. Being there made me realize how much of a shit hole Dallas really is. We have no natural beauty around us anywhere. Just copious amounts of gas stations, buildings and dry wastelands with nothing but dead grass.
The University of Washington was just amazing as well. I just passed a few buildings, but I did research on it when I got home and now its my second choice. If UT rejects me twice, then I'm going to go there no matter what. It'll be just as expensive as SMU but I'll already be where I wanted to be all a long: in Seattle. Just driving through the city made me happy and it was pretty obvious to everyone around me.
I went back and as soon as I stepped out from the cramped flight and just inhaled, I was taken to a different place. I just felt good being there and I didn't want that feeling to go away. It was just home to me. The Puget Sound just looked amazing from the freeway as I passed the lit up city and I can't even begin to describe the city itself. Being there made me realize how much of a shit hole Dallas really is. We have no natural beauty around us anywhere. Just copious amounts of gas stations, buildings and dry wastelands with nothing but dead grass.
The University of Washington was just amazing as well. I just passed a few buildings, but I did research on it when I got home and now its my second choice. If UT rejects me twice, then I'm going to go there no matter what. It'll be just as expensive as SMU but I'll already be where I wanted to be all a long: in Seattle. Just driving through the city made me happy and it was pretty obvious to everyone around me.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Drop It Like It's Hot
there's something about
the sound under the clouds today
maybe its just me
but it feels off in someway
it might be your voice is missing
i dont hear it anymore
all i hear is rain hit the windows
and the cars that drive by in a roar
----------------------------------------------------
About a close friend. Don't read if you don't care to know how I over think everything.
I've come to terms with the idea that in 4 years time, you and I won't even talk like we used to. In just this year I feel like we've become distant and that really bothers me every time I think about it. You're the only person I've ever been this confident in; the only person to listen to me talk about things that other people find stupid; the only person whose managed to change part of my personality (whether or not you wanted to); the only person who I've never been bothered by.
I make it sound like we went out when we didn't, but we are really close and now that's going away. I totally understand why though which makes this all that much harder for me to take in. You have your own life and you're busy with it. I can't always expect you to pick up when I need or want you to. I can't always expect you to call me back, or expect you to always reply to my texts. I can't expect all this from you anymore cause things are changing and we're growing up. We're not in the middle of high school anymore, where calling you on Friday night resulted in us having a long conversation about nothing in particular. I wish it was, but it's just that: A wish.
The only reason I wanted that watch from you was so I could always have something given to me, because I never really did have anything from you. I like to think of it as carrying thoughts and memories with me where ever I go. I did that with my old watch, and now I'm doing it with the one you gave me for Christmas. It's the idea that every time someone compliments me on that watch I'd be thinking "good call" on your part. That's why I wanted you to pick it out. You're the only person who knows me well enough to pick something out that I'd wear everyday like I do with my watch.
All I really know is that once the point comes where we've split in two opposite directions, and I realize it, it's going to hurt more than anything I've ever felt before. I'll get over it, move on, and be ok. We all eventually become ok with the way things turn out and this will probably be no exception either. The only thing I really want you to remember is what we talked about. When I hit 29 I'll still remember what we said, and I'll be wondering if you're going to be thinking the same thing.
Maybe I'm just over thinking the situation and you're just busy. Eventually things will calm down and get back to the normal, ridiculous conversations. This seems to the case with me most of the time. But with college coming up, who knows where you'll end up and where I'll end up. I just hope I'm wrong about this. This is the one thing I would admit to being wrong within a moments notice.
the sound under the clouds today
maybe its just me
but it feels off in someway
it might be your voice is missing
i dont hear it anymore
all i hear is rain hit the windows
and the cars that drive by in a roar
----------------------------------------------------
About a close friend. Don't read if you don't care to know how I over think everything.
I've come to terms with the idea that in 4 years time, you and I won't even talk like we used to. In just this year I feel like we've become distant and that really bothers me every time I think about it. You're the only person I've ever been this confident in; the only person to listen to me talk about things that other people find stupid; the only person whose managed to change part of my personality (whether or not you wanted to); the only person who I've never been bothered by.
I make it sound like we went out when we didn't, but we are really close and now that's going away. I totally understand why though which makes this all that much harder for me to take in. You have your own life and you're busy with it. I can't always expect you to pick up when I need or want you to. I can't always expect you to call me back, or expect you to always reply to my texts. I can't expect all this from you anymore cause things are changing and we're growing up. We're not in the middle of high school anymore, where calling you on Friday night resulted in us having a long conversation about nothing in particular. I wish it was, but it's just that: A wish.
The only reason I wanted that watch from you was so I could always have something given to me, because I never really did have anything from you. I like to think of it as carrying thoughts and memories with me where ever I go. I did that with my old watch, and now I'm doing it with the one you gave me for Christmas. It's the idea that every time someone compliments me on that watch I'd be thinking "good call" on your part. That's why I wanted you to pick it out. You're the only person who knows me well enough to pick something out that I'd wear everyday like I do with my watch.
All I really know is that once the point comes where we've split in two opposite directions, and I realize it, it's going to hurt more than anything I've ever felt before. I'll get over it, move on, and be ok. We all eventually become ok with the way things turn out and this will probably be no exception either. The only thing I really want you to remember is what we talked about. When I hit 29 I'll still remember what we said, and I'll be wondering if you're going to be thinking the same thing.
Maybe I'm just over thinking the situation and you're just busy. Eventually things will calm down and get back to the normal, ridiculous conversations. This seems to the case with me most of the time. But with college coming up, who knows where you'll end up and where I'll end up. I just hope I'm wrong about this. This is the one thing I would admit to being wrong within a moments notice.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Relationships
I've found myself back at the idea of relationships and now wanting one. For a good two years I was content with not having one and it didn't bother when other people were with their significant other. I would just be chill with it talking to them as if the sight of them was a normal occurrence. Recently its begun to make me feel like I want something like that in my life. Even though I shouldn't be thinking about that stuff with everything else right now, I feel as though I don't have a choice but to deal with it.
I feel like this sudden want of a relationship is mostly for the experience. The new experience aspect of it is mostly what I feel I want. I'm tired of the constant hanging out with girls that I share no real relationship with (i mean friendship wise as well) other than the fact that we have mutual friends. That's not what I want to do forever. Moving forward would be nice once in a while.
I feel like this sudden want of a relationship is mostly for the experience. The new experience aspect of it is mostly what I feel I want. I'm tired of the constant hanging out with girls that I share no real relationship with (i mean friendship wise as well) other than the fact that we have mutual friends. That's not what I want to do forever. Moving forward would be nice once in a while.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
