Boredom Survey

10 Firsts
First Best Friend: Matthew Feltz
First Screenname: dragonanger1
First Pet dog name: n/a
First Piercing: planning to get my lip pierced if i go to austin
First Crush: Melanie XD
First CD: Sum 41 - All Killer, No Filler
First Car: 95 Honda Accord
First School: Brush College Elementry
First House Location: Portland, Oregon
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9 Lasts
Last Time You Smoked Weed: Long ago...
Last Food You Ate: Pasta made by me
Last Car Ride: Taco Bell
Last Movie You Watched: Watchmen
Last Phone Call: One of my aunts
Last CD You listened to: Kings of Convenience - Riots on the street
Last Bubble Bath You took: now...serial XD
Last Song You listened to: Cayman Islands by KOC
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8 Have You Evers
Have You Ever Dated a Best Friend: No
Have You Ever Been Arrested: Almost
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Not yet
Have You Ever Been on TV: Not yet
Have You Ever Kissed Someone and Regretted It: No, but it feels like it's long over due
Have You Ever Cheated on Your bf/gf: Yeah
Have You Ever Been on a Blind Date: Nope
Have You Ever Been out of the Country: Yeah
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7 Things You are Wearing
1. Glasses
2. pants
3. shirt
4. boxers
5. socks
6. retainers
7. ?
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6 Things You've Done Today
1. Went to court, only to observe
2. ate food
3. cooked banana bread
4. Jammed
5. homework
6. TV
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5 Favorite Things
1. My good friends
2. Hookah
3. Music
4. Freebirds
5. Seattle
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4 People You Most Trust
1. Roshni
2. Rahul
3. Dhanya
4. Gary
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3 Choices
1. Vanilla or Chocolate: Vanilla
2. Hugs or Kisses: Kisses
3. Pens or Pencils: Pencil
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2 Things You Want to do Before You Die:
1. Love
2. go to UT
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1 Person You Want to See:
Roshni

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PERFECT GIRL
-Hair color – Black or brown
-Eye color -- Grey, blue or green
-Six pack - no
-Long or short hair - long
-Glasses – sometimes
-Scars - sure?
-Eyebrows - yes she should have them
-Big butt or little- proportional
-Chest hair – ...
-Buff or skinny- Fit is where im at
-Straight teeth, gap, or braces – nice teeth
-Funny or serious- funny
-Party or stay at home- both
-Should they cook or bake- either one
-Should they have a best friend (guy/girl n why) – either one. she'd have to get used to my best friend bring a girl so i couldnt judge
-Outgoing or shy – outgoing
-Sarcastic or sincere - both
-Should they love their parents? – yeah
-Should they watch action/comedy or chick flicks? – either
-Would they be a smoker? – hookah is ok
-Would they drink? – yeah
-Would they swear? – if they wanted to
-Would they play with your hair?-- yeah
-One or more bfs/gfs at a time - they only need one. im so intense
-Would they pay for dates? – dutch sometimes, but i dont mind paying
-Do they kiss on the first date? -- if we feel it
-Would they bring you flowers? – fuck yeah!
-Would they lay under the stars with you?- aww. no
-Would they write poetry about you? – no
-Would they call you hunny, sweetie, or baby? – sure?
-Would they hang out with you and YOUR friends? – some of them
-Would you hang out with them and their friends?- yeah
-Will they walk you to the door at the end? – they better
-Holding hands – sure
-Soccer – yeah soccer girls are hot
-Skateboard- no
-Snowboard- no
-Sing-- yeah
-Play guitar – that would be cool
-Play piano – that would be cool too
-Play drums- they have to be better than me
-Clean their room – yeah
-Paint, draw, sculpt -- that would be cool
-Writes their own music – yuh
-Use the word dude – yeah
-Use the word tight – sometimes
-Would they watch the sun rise with you – woot
-What kind of car do they drive- acura rsx type s

I carry your heart, here with me

Ever since I can remember, I have always wanted to take an image or moment in time and make it tangible. I'm a person whose thoughts drown in nostalgia, and I find it difficult to give a reasonable explanation why to either of those two things above.

Those two parts of me are married and it's obvious in every aspect of my life. In my room are tickets from various concerts that all have an interesting story attached to them; look to the right and you'll see the garter Roshni made me for her homecoming; look to the left and you'll find a bunch of saved laser tag game scores from the Whirly Ball days; and finally, in the corner of my room next to me right now, my growing collection of music. From Beatles to Incubus to Oasis to Minus The Bear: they all have a meaning to me.

I find it impossible to rely just on memories alone. I need to be surrounded by things that remind of people, places and events in my life. Nothing goes on my wall without an interesting story behind it. Like the Blink 182 I bought from Hot Topic with Josh back in 7th grade, the Minus The Bear record that I got for working at Good Records, the garter that led to a fun night with my best friend. All good times, and they are things i want to remember all the time.

It makes me wonder what I'm going to do in college without all these things surrounding me. My dorm is going to be empty with just my laptop, desk and me. But when I look at in a different light, it's like I'm building a new wall of reminders. It just happens to be that I'm going to have to leave behind so much. I welcome the new things with open arms, but I want to hold the past as well; tis a hard decision to pick one.

Trading Me For The Lump Sum

I've been surfing youtube a lot since last semester and I've come to one sad, but true, conclusion. Youtube has no popular Brown youtuber that I have ever seen. Realizing this has made me come to another conclusion. I want to be that youtuber. I've been inspired by a lot of youtubers in the past couple of months. Mostly ItsaMeStevenT (Steven), Ninjadrops and Wong Fu.

I dont think it'll be easy to build a following, but I can try and see how far I can get. It could be a fun expeirience. But first I want to see if I get into UT before I start with any project. And I've started up(again) on one of my new years resolutions. Its going to be hard to do but I'm going to see how far I can get in terms of weight loss. Hopefully I can lose 20 lbs by the end of March. It would be amazing if I accomplished this.

We'll see how things pan out. Back to studying for gov!

Or else i wont feel any better about this

what they fuck is wrong with me? I'm hurting so badly I can't even handle it anymore and it sucks. It's consuming me like nothing has before. The even more pathetic thing about where I'm at is that I can't hate you. I couldn't hate you in Seattle when you got me yelled at by Mrs. Tung and I can't bring myself to hate you now. Even when it feels like you don't care about being friends anymore, even when you ignore any form of communication I attempt, even when you reluctantly text me back in the morning it comes down to one thing: I can't hate you or even feel the slightest bit of dislike for you cause it's no ones fault. That's just life and I'm having the hardest time accepting it right now.

I only call you so much cause I miss listening to someone talk and engaging in conversation with someone. I can't do that with anyone around me right now, only you. I feel so comfortable when we talk that I can say anything and not be worried about you walking away. What I really miss the most the is the listening though. I just want to listen to you talk because I like to hear about peoples lives and you always have something to say that makes me smile or that I find interesting. I want that back again but I know it won't happen. I know you won't even read this and I'll never say this to you. I know that when it's all said and done, none of this is going to matter and we'll all just keep going.

God I wish I was in Seattle right now instead of 10 minutes away from you.

Conflict & How It Dominates My World

For the past 6 months I've been all about UT. I even decided that if I was rejected once then I would try again because I really love that school. That all changed two weeks ago when I was in Seattle.

I went back and as soon as I stepped out from the cramped flight and just inhaled, I was taken to a different place. I just felt good being there and I didn't want that feeling to go away. It was just home to me. The Puget Sound just looked amazing from the freeway as I passed the lit up city and I can't even begin to describe the city itself. Being there made me realize how much of a shit hole Dallas really is. We have no natural beauty around us anywhere. Just copious amounts of gas stations, buildings and dry wastelands with nothing but dead grass.

The University of Washington was just amazing as well. I just passed a few buildings, but I did research on it when I got home and now its my second choice. If UT rejects me twice, then I'm going to go there no matter what. It'll be just as expensive as SMU but I'll already be where I wanted to be all a long: in Seattle. Just driving through the city made me happy and it was pretty obvious to everyone around me.

Drop It Like It's Hot

there's something about
the sound under the clouds today
maybe its just me
but it feels off in someway

it might be your voice is missing
i dont hear it anymore
all i hear is rain hit the windows
and the cars that drive by in a roar

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About a close friend. Don't read if you don't care to know how I over think everything.

I've come to terms with the idea that in 4 years time, you and I won't even talk like we used to. In just this year I feel like we've become distant and that really bothers me every time I think about it. You're the only person I've ever been this confident in; the only person to listen to me talk about things that other people find stupid; the only person whose managed to change part of my personality (whether or not you wanted to); the only person who I've never been bothered by.

I make it sound like we went out when we didn't, but we are really close and now that's going away. I totally understand why though which makes this all that much harder for me to take in. You have your own life and you're busy with it. I can't always expect you to pick up when I need or want you to. I can't always expect you to call me back, or expect you to always reply to my texts. I can't expect all this from you anymore cause things are changing and we're growing up. We're not in the middle of high school anymore, where calling you on Friday night resulted in us having a long conversation about nothing in particular. I wish it was, but it's just that: A wish.

The only reason I wanted that watch from you was so I could always have something given to me, because I never really did have anything from you. I like to think of it as carrying thoughts and memories with me where ever I go. I did that with my old watch, and now I'm doing it with the one you gave me for Christmas. It's the idea that every time someone compliments me on that watch I'd be thinking "good call" on your part. That's why I wanted you to pick it out. You're the only person who knows me well enough to pick something out that I'd wear everyday like I do with my watch.

All I really know is that once the point comes where we've split in two opposite directions, and I realize it, it's going to hurt more than anything I've ever felt before. I'll get over it, move on, and be ok. We all eventually become ok with the way things turn out and this will probably be no exception either. The only thing I really want you to remember is what we talked about. When I hit 29 I'll still remember what we said, and I'll be wondering if you're going to be thinking the same thing.

Maybe I'm just over thinking the situation and you're just busy. Eventually things will calm down and get back to the normal, ridiculous conversations. This seems to the case with me most of the time. But with college coming up, who knows where you'll end up and where I'll end up. I just hope I'm wrong about this. This is the one thing I would admit to being wrong within a moments notice.

Relationships

I've found myself back at the idea of relationships and now wanting one. For a good two years I was content with not having one and it didn't bother when other people were with their significant other. I would just be chill with it talking to them as if the sight of them was a normal occurrence. Recently its begun to make me feel like I want something like that in my life. Even though I shouldn't be thinking about that stuff with everything else right now, I feel as though I don't have a choice but to deal with it.

I feel like this sudden want of a relationship is mostly for the experience. The new experience aspect of it is mostly what I feel I want. I'm tired of the constant hanging out with girls that I share no real relationship with (i mean friendship wise as well) other than the fact that we have mutual friends. That's not what I want to do forever. Moving forward would be nice once in a while.

1/4 of my thoughts revolve around the past

I don't know why this is the case, but I seem to be in love with my past memories. Especially since I moved to Texas 7 years ago on this day. It could be the idea that those were simpler times. I guess it could also have to do with the idea that your friends were your friends. You hung out to hang out; nothing more and nothing less. Play football, video games, the occasional game of cricket, and staying up all night just to beat Spyro.

You never called them to talk about the things troubling you because there were no "real" troubles or complications at the time. Your biggest problem was either you not doing your homework and needing to copy it or not being able to find a game for your SNES emulator. It makes me smile to think that we had it so good and then suddenly, after middle school, you're thrown into a world where it all counts.

I don't really know the point of this other than letting anyone who reads this know that I have an unhealthy amount of my brain power dedicated to dwelling on the past. I've probably killed more time thinking about things that happened years ago than I have on my UT application. Nice...

Explosions in the Sky

Lets watch explosions in the sky
From afar they look beautiful
Get up close and you see the hell
That was was from a heart too full

After the sparks descend
And lose all color
I'll rise from the ash
A broken lover

I'll bury what i know
What I'm feeling
I can't make it leave
This is how i go about dealing

I'll let it all blow over
Swept away like smoke in wind
I told myself I wouldn't lose it
But I never said I would win it

My exploding catharsis
Is something I can't let you see
So keep watching these explosions
In the sky here with me

I wish I was one of those sparks
I could put myself out

Currently Listening: Explosions in the Sky - Your Hand In Mine

For No One

I've got my own phantoms
at the bottom
in this sea of thought
but there's one that sits
in the center looking out

she hides her eyes
behind her dark hair
she keeps me guessing
she keeps me floating in air

i dont mind it
whenever she comes around
and when she speaks
it's a haunting and beautiful sound
god i wish i had a way with words

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i wish i had a better way with words
but everything i said is deja entendu
it's nothin new to you

where i started you wouldn't believe
i started empty and dry
but then words bled out of me as my fingers cried

with one click i was back where i started
i ended up not knowing what i was trying to say
i didnt know the message i was trying to convey

was it love, thanks or some off-beat romance
i really cant be too sure
it's not something i can learn

if there was a way to wrap memory in paper
and hand it to you just like that
it would say everything i needed without lack


Currently Listening: Sharks Keep Moving - Pause and Clause EP

Another Year Gone

First off, I need to start this by saying sorry to all the people I was with tonight. Things haven't been going my way right now and I took it out on you guys tonight by being distant/a jerk to everyone I was supposed to be watching. I didn't mean to be like that; things just got the best of me.


So tonight I got home at 4 AM and I couldn't sleep. I laid in my bed, shoes and all, just face down thinking about what I need to do, things that need to change, and parts of my life that just need to be redone. Since I couldn't sleep, I just got up and when walking around my area. It was nice to just take a breather with no one around. I've surrounded myself with people so much lately that I forgot how nice it was to just stop and chill. While I walked though, I thought about this past year. Mostly August through December and what a strange trip these past 6 months have been for me.

Traveling back and forth between Austin, writing papers, being stupid when my friends came home and playing way too much guitar for my own good. It's been strange/hectic for all of us probably; especially those who are nearing the end of school, and those who are transitioning into college life. I wouldn't change much of it though. I like the way things have turned out in a way. Even though everyone is four hours away, it just makes hanging out more fun when I see them. As cliche or psycho this sounds, depending on how you take it, It's the people I communicated with during the year that made it turn out good in the end. Basically I'm trying to say thanks to everyone whose chilled, hung out, talked or whatever with me this past year; especially these past 6 months. It's made the situation I put myself in a bit more bearable. Thanks again to everyone.

My Resolutions For 2009
-Be more of a calm person
-Get into UT
-Stop being a lethargic punk